I generally turn off text notifications when I go to bed. If there is an emergency after bedtime, you’d better call, because nothing ruins a good night’s sleep like an ill-timed ding as you’re dozing off. I apparently forgot Thursday night because the rapid-fire texts started about 3:30 AM. Meet In the garage . . . . Where R U?!!? . . . Does Renee still have the double-barrel?
I have mentioned my lifelong friend and childhood hero, Toby Dawn McIntyre a few times in my weekly articles since coming to Duncan, but for some reason, he has made himself scarce over the last year or so. “The COVID,” he says, but no one ever knows with Toby Dawn. He once tried to miss school with “the vapors” after watching Little House on the Prairie. (According to Doc Baker, Mrs. Oleson was just gassy.) Nonetheless, I was not surprised to discover a very large man in a full ghillie suit rifling through my stuff. “Morning, Tommy Boy!” He said as he pulled a cooler off the shelf. “Are you ready to go huntin’?” He paused, freezeframe, for dramatic effect. “It’s finally legal, Tommy Boy!” Of course, Toby referred to the recent bill proposing a Bigfoot Hunting Season in Oklahoma.
He then began listing reasons why people keep failing to find a bigfoot. First, Bigfoot have highly developed electromagnetic hypersensitivity, which enables them to avoid trail cams, cell phones, and the billion other devices that would otherwise reveal their existence. This also explains why vehicles never hit one. Second, always hunt for bigfoot with the sun behind you. This mistake accounts for virtually every bigfoot photo being backlit, rendering the creature’s features indistinguishable. Third, ignore everything you have seen on Finding Bigfoot. According to Toby, Bobo’s calls are just scaring Bigfoot away. “Harmonicas are the key,” he asserts.
Toby vehemently disagrees with the proposed hunting season being in the fall, however. “Everyone knows that summertime is the best time to find one. They don’t call them skunk apes for nothing.” He says with authority. “Just sniff ‘em out.” Likewise, excess body spray attracts them, which is why teenage boys see more Bigfoot than anyone else. Not very often that I agree with Toby, but I love the idea of a Bigfoot season, but please avoid deer season. We don’t need hordes of Toby Dawns looking for Sasquatch in woods full of deer stands. We can also do better than just Bigfoot. I propose we add Snipe Hunting Season, too.
There are two unfulfilled promises from my childhood that still bother me. First was a trip to Disney World. (We lived in Florida, so this seemed plausible.) And second, one of my stepdads promised to take me snipe hunting. I eventually made it to Disney World as an adult, but no one ever took me snipe hunting. Such a thing scars a child. People have tried to convince me that snipe hunting is not real, but I eventually verified Mickey Mouse’s existence. Snipe are next on my list.
Consequently, I have been snipe hunting most of my adult life. Everyone thinks I am hiking or biking, but I am secretly tracking these elusive beasts. While they apparently thrive in New Zealand, they are really scarce in Oklahoma. Reportedly, armadillos are their natural predator, and I see lots of them, so maybe we should add an armadillo season to give the snipe population a chance to rebound. Honestly, anything that will get people, especially kids, outdoors is a good idea to me. Just avoid deer season, and this thing is a win-win.
Toby Dawn eventually went Bigfoot hunting on his own, and I went back to bed, but not before reclaiming my missing garage door opener. If you see Bigfoot this weekend around Duncan, it’s likely just a very large Irishman backlit in a ghillie suit. If he smells like Axe Body spray, it’s definitely Toby Dawn. And yes, Renee still has her double-barrel, but it is strictly a deterrent for bigfoot and Toby Dawn McIntyre.
Dr. Deighan is the Superintendent for Duncan schools. To contact Dr. Deighan, email to email@example.com.