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July 15, 2014

Technoman offers help on combating viruses

DUNCAN — Good day, Earthlings and others inhabiting the third rock from the Sun. Once again, 21st Century Technoman has dropped in to see what condition your condition is in. So, how are you surviving in cyberspace?

As you know, Technoman refuses to be a slave to the array of cutting-edge technogizmos and technofads that spring up every nanosecond. Technoman isn’t a Luddite, he just chooses to adapt to technology at his own pace, instead of being forced into technocompliance.

That’s why Technoman doesn’t BookFace or InLink, Tweeter or “friend.” If you really want to be Technoman’s friend, invite him to lunch, buy him a new hybrid car or donate to the Technoman Retirement Fund.

But that’s not why Technoman is here today. Rather, it’s time to address an important technotopic: computer security. It’s a subject that’s been on Technoman’s mind since he was surfing Da Net and came across a website called Sophos.com, which featured the “Top 10 Viruses of 2014.”

Yes, there’s a service out in Technoland that ranks the nasty computer viruses invading our homes and work sites. Kinda like a Billboard Top 40, but you won’t find tunes by The Black Keys, Alabama Shakes or Miranda Lambert.

What you do discover is the No. 5 virus this year s a lil’ booger called SQL Slammer, which needed just 10 minutes to infect 75,000 susceptible hosts. Code Red is vicious virus that’s No. 4 on the Top 10, while Sobig F checks in at No. 3 by tricking clients into thinking a fraudulent email they acknowledged is from a lawful source.

ILOVEYOU may sound all warm and fuzzy, but this year’s No. 2 virus preys on the human need to be loved, which helped it become a worldwide technopandemic in just one night.

Finally, the Big Kahuna on the 2014 virus hit parade is the dastardly MyDoom, which worms its way into your system through emails with haphazard addresses of senders and also through subject lines.

Pretty scary sounding stuff, isn’t it? You could innocently activate one of the Top 10 Viruses of 2014 and throw the planet off its axis.

But never fear, 21st Century Technoman is here!

If you own a computer or have ever breathed the same air as somebody who has touched a computer, you need to take computer security seriously. See, cyberspace is not the friendly, open, safe place it once was.

Modern cyberspace is a deadly, snaky swamp, filled with dangerous programs such as “viruses,” “worms,” “Trojan horses” and “virtual blackholes” that not only render your computer useless, they will suck up our entire solar system and spit it back out in another galaxy.

To avoid this life-changing calamity, you must immediately take these simple steps to protect your computer:

1. Call the Union of IT Personnel Who Actually Have a Scintilla of Knowledge About Computers. After a brief wait, you’ll be connected with a cheerful and knowledgeable recorded message saying you will remain on hold until the oceans turn to wine or the “end of days” actually arrives, whichever comes first.

2. After behaving like an idiot by cussing out the recorded message, go to BookFace and “friend” Mrs. Technoman, who actually knows something about computers. In a very meek voice, ask her, “Honey, can you please help me with this?”

3. Find someone under age 30 to assist you, because they were born with a special “computer genius” gene. If they resist, threaten to continuously play a video of Roseanne Barr singing Copacabana, until the whippersnapper installs a virus protection program.

4. Check for incoming electricity. One factor common to all computer viruses is that in order to function they require electricity.

So, get down on your hands and knees and crawl under your desk. Do you see an electrical cord going from the computer to the wall? That cord is bringing electricity directly into your house from a technothingie called a “massive power grid.”

Secure the cord in your right hand and yank it out of the socket.

You won’t worry about computer viruses anymore — unless of course you use WYFY that doesn’t need a power cord, and then you’re on your own.

As always, you don’t have to thank 21st Century Technoman for this advice. However, if you’d like to contribute to the aforementioned retirement fund, give Technoman a call on his cell phone.

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