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May 13, 2014

Slob or not a slob? How can you be certain?

DUNCAN — People who’ve known me a while often mention my uncanny resemblance to The Most Interesting Man in the World in those Dos Equis beer commercials.

Sure, character actor Jonathan Goldsmith has a beard and I don’t. And all right, Goldsmith has impeccable taste in clothing, an eloquent voice and beautiful women hanging on him all the time. But other than that, when it comes to male sophistication, The Most Interesting Man in the World is a carbon copy of ... and I blush saying this ... me.

(Let me take a break here, so Karen can roll her eyes back to the front of her head!)

One other thing I share with The Most Interesting Man in the World is that neither of us would ever be considered a slob. Which leads me into the question for today: Do slobs know they’re slobs?

It seems like we’re surrounded by crude people these days; folks who apparently don’t know the basics of civility or how to avoid behaving like a cretin in public.

I suspect lack of education, poor parenting and popular culture have contributed to fostering these boorish behaviors. So, I’ve come up with a little quiz to determine if you’ve patterned yourself after The Most Interesting Man (or Woman) in the World, or whether your role model is Homer Simpson.

1. Your cell phone goes off in a public place, so you answer and say ...

A. “Let me call you back.”

B. “Yeah, I can talk! I’m just doing a little shopping. Wait a sec ... ‘Hey, do you work here? Is this toilet paper on sale?’”

C. “I’M AT A MOVIE, BUT NO PROBLEM! HOW DID YOUR DIVORCE HEARING GO? ABOUT TIME YOU DROPPED THAT JERK! HANG ON ... NO, LADY, YOU SHUT UP!”

2. The best place to trim your fingernails is ...

A. At home.

B. In an unassuming place, like at your desk at work, at church or when having lunch with your matron aunt.

C. Anywhere you dang please, as long as you can get your fingers up to your teeth.

3. You’ve unloaded the contents of a shopping cart into the car. What do you do with the cart?

A. Push it into the nearest cart rack, even if you have to walk more than 5 feet.

B. Push it up against the car next to yours.

C. Since there’s no car in the parking space in front of you, you pull out of the front of your parking spot, leaving the cart blocking the back of the space.

4. You accidentally dial a wrong number, so you ...

A. Apologize and hang up.

B. Mumble, “Wrong number”, and hang up.

C. Cuss out the elderly man who had the audacity to answer the phone, and then slam down the receiver.

5. After going through the drive-up, you pause long enough to take the wrapper off a McDonald’s double cheeseburger and then ...

A. Uh, me at McDonald’s? I don’t think so.

B. Toss the empty wrapper on the floorboard of your car, where it may stay for three months but at least you’re only littering your vehicle.

C. Cast the empty wrapper out the window. (“Big Mac’s pays people to pick up trash, right?”)

6. A yellow light at a busy intersection means ...

A. Stop if at all possible.

B. Beat it if at all possible.

C. Yellow, red, whatever. You just blithely pull into the intersection and somebody broadsides your ’75 Pinto!

7. You’re approaching the 10 Items or Less lane at the grocery and you’ve got 16 things, so you think ...

A. I’ll find another lane.

B. Well, they don’t really mean just 10 items.

C. Huh? What limit? I’m in a hurry here! There’s a Duck Dynasty marathon starting in 20 minutes. And, hey, checkout lady, ring up the dog chow and panty liners separately, will ya? They’re for my mom.

Now, here’s the scoring.

Answered A to all the above: Your parents did a fine job in your upbringing.

Answered A or B to all the above: There’s hope for you — and for the rest of us.

Answered B to all the above: Enroll in etiquette classes as soon as possible.

Answered C to all the above: You’re a certified s-l-o-b, and will never be confused for The Most Interesting Man (or Woman) in the World.

jeff.kaley@duncanbanner.com

(580) 255-5354 Ext. 128

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