The Duncan Banner

November 27, 2012

Some humorous gravy for Thanksgiving leftovers

Jeff Kaley
The Duncan Banner

DUNCAN — America’s tradition of getting together to say thanks for the bounty has passed, and saying thanks is always a good thing — even if some of us don’t feel our bounty is as bounteous as it used to be.

Personally, I’ve been having a problem rediscovering the energy I had before we consumed the Thanksgiving feed, which was a nice feed, but not a gorge-a-thon. For a change, I paced my consumption.

But it’s days after Thanksgiving and I’m wondering: Where the heck is my energy? Why is my gray matter moving at such a slow clip?

Am sure age has nothing to do with this dose of lethargy, so maybe I’m just clinging to the Thanksgiving spirit.

Still, I definitely need to recharge my internal batteries. So, while I plug my recharge cable into a power strip, this space is being filled by Thanksgiving observations from other folks.

Let them add the gravy of humor to your post-holiday leftover open-faced turkey sandwiches. After all, we can never laugh too much.

George Carlin: “We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.”

Ambrose Bierce: “Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.”

Erma Bombeck: “What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?”

Russell Baker: “It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with ‘gourmet’ status.”

Jon Stewart: “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast and then I killed them and took their land.”

Johnny Carson: “Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.”

Phyllis Diller: “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

George R. Hendrick: “True thanksgiving means that we need to thank God for what He has done for us, and not to tell Him what we have done for Him.”

Danny Kaye: “In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.”

Frank A. Clark: “If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s going to get.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I love Thanksgiving turkey ... it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.”

Erma Bombeck (again): “Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.”

Dr. Steven Sultanoff: “A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy answered, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’”

David Letterman: "Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, ‘How long has Mom been drinking like this?’”

Steven Wright: “I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. Will it take longer to thaw?”

P.J. O’Rourke: “Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.”

Rita Rudner: “My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”

Jay Leno: “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.”

Irv Kupcinet: “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.”

Dylan Brody: “You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, ‘Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.’”

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