The Duncan Banner

Opinion

June 10, 2012

Slob or not a slob? Here’s how you know

DUNCAN — People who’ve known me a long time often mention The Most Interesting Man in the World in those Dos Equis beer commercials bares an uncanny resemblance to ol’ moi.

Sure, character actor Jonathan Goldsmith has a beard and I don’t. And all right, Goldsmith has impeccable taste in clothing, an eloquent voice and beautiful women hanging on him all the time. But other than that, when it comes to setting a standard of male sophistication, The Most Interesting Man in the World is a carbon copy of ... and I blush saying this ... me.

(Let me take a break here, so Karen can roll her eyes back to the front of her head and recover from the vapors!)

One other thing I share with The Most Interesting Man in the World is neither of us would ever be considered a slob. Which leads me into the question for today: Do slobs know they’re slobs?

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English language defines a “slob” as: A person regarded as slovenly, crude or obnoxious.

It seems like we’re surrounded by a lot of people who fit that definition these days; folks who apparently don’t know the basics of civility or how to avoid behaving like a cretin in public.

And I suspect a lack of education has created these boorish behaviors.

So, I’ve come up with a little quiz to determine if you’ve patterned yourself after The Most Interesting Man (or Woman) in the World, or whether your role model is Homer Simpson or a young Roseanne Barr.

1. Your cell phone goes off in a public place, so you answer and say ...

A. “Let me call you back.”

B. “Yeah, I can talk! I’m just shopping for some ... wait a sec ... Hey, you work here? Is this toilet paper on sale?”

C. “I’M AT A MOVIE, BUT NO PROBLEM! HOW DID YOUR DIVORCE HEARING GO? ABOUT TIME YOU DROPPED THAT JERK! HANG ON ... NO, LADY, YOU SHUT UP!

2. The best place to trim your fingernails is ...

A. At home.

B. In an unassuming place, like at your desk at work or during a sermon at church or when having lunch with your matron aunt.

C. Anywhere you dang please, as long as you can get your finger up to you teeth.

3. You’ve unloaded the contents of a shopping cart into the car. What do you do with the cart?

A. Push it into the nearest cart rack, even if you have to walk more than 5 feet.

B. Push it up against the car next to yours.

C. Pull out of the front of the parking spot, leaving the cart blocking the back of the space.

4. You accidentally dial a wrong number, so you ...

A. Apologize and hang up.

B. Mumble “wrong number” and hang up.

C. Cuss out the elderly man who had the audacity to answer the phone, and then you slam down the receiver as though that guy had the wrong number.

5. After going through the drive-up, the wrapper from a double cheeseburger goes ...

A. In the trash bag you keep discretely stashed under the passenger’s side seat.

B. On the floorboard of your car.

C. Out the window. (“They pay people at fast food joints to pick up trash, right?”)

6. A yellow light at a busy intersection means ...

A. Stop if at all possible.

B. Beat it if at all possible.

C. Yellow, red, whatever. (“Hey, lady, you just broadsided my ’75 Pinto!”)

7. You’re approaching the “10 Items or Less” lane at the grocery and you’ve got 16 things, so you think ...

A. I’ll find another lane.

B. Well, they don’t really mean just 10 items.

C. Huh? What limit? I’m in a hurry here! There’s a Jackass marathon starting in 20 minutes. And, hey, dude, ring up the dog chow and panty liners separately, will ya? They’re for my mom.

Now, here’s the scoring.

Answered A to all the above: Your parents are proud of your upbringing.

Answered A or B to all the above: There’s hope for you and the rest of us.

Answered B to all the above: Enroll in etiquette classes as soon as possible.

Answered C to all the above: You’re a certified s-l-o-b, and will never be confused for The Most Interesting Man (or Woman) in the World.

jeff.kaley@duncanbanner.com

580-255-5354, Ext. 172

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